The Low-Budget Drug Test
(brought to you by Rex-Mart, the friendliest little evil corporation around)
Answer the following to the
best of your ability. Remember, there
are no wrong answers, only answers that will get you fired.
1. How often do you use illegal drugs?
A.) Never often enough, baby.
B.) Only in social settings when they’re available for mooching.
C.) Now. More. Again.
D.) Wait, is this a trick question?
2. What is crystal meth?
A.) I don’t know, a china pattern at Bed, Bath, and Beyond?
B.) I don’t know, a good way to spend your evening?
C.) It’s hard to explain, but I can. Because I’m on it right now.
3. If you saw someone doing illegal drugs at work, what would you say?
A.) “Hey! No! Don’t! Stop!”
B.) “Hey, no, don’t stop.”
C.) “I hope you brought enough to share with everyone.”
D.) “Do you even work here?”
E.) “This is a place of work. And those are illegal. Citizen’s arrest!”
4. What is LSD?
A.) I think it has something to do with the sky. And diamonds. And Lucille Ball.
C.) All answers are relative to the Great Space Turtle, whom I’ve met, thanks to LSD.
5. When your friend says something outrageous, what’s your most common response?
A.) “What are you smoking?”
B.) “Can I have some of what you’re smoking?”
C.) “Are you on crack?”
D.) “I wish I was on crack right now.”
E.) “What the deuce?”
6. Who does drugs in America?
A.) This answer requires a comprehensive sociological survey of American culture, looking at complicated factors of race, class, gender, and geographic location.
D.) Buddhists. Which I, of course, am not.
E.) Cool people, like me and my friends.
7. What do you do with heroin?
A.) Shoot it.
B.) Smoke it.
C.) Sell it to get cash for less expensive crack.
D.) Put a heroin in a story with a hero, and you’ve got a happy ending.
8. Should you feel guilty about taking pain medication?
A.) Not if you find it pleasurable.
B.) No, if it’s prescribed and you’re in unbearable pain and your insurance covers it.
C.) Pain medication is for pussies.
9. What are the long-term effects of illegal drugs?
A.) They haven’t invented a substance yet that can damage anyone’s lungs or liver!
B.) They’re not high performers to have in your portfolio. They’re usually consumed quickly.
C.) They damage the body, mind, and heart. But by “heart” I mean figuratively. And, well, literally, too, sometimes.
10. How do you feel about drug testing?
A.) I’m opposed to it because I feel it violates an individual’s right to privacy.
B.) I’m opposed to it because I’m on drugs.
C.) I heartily endorse drug testing. I believe that my urine, hair, spit, blood, and feces are all property of my employer. I can provide them right now. With postage.
Thank you for your participation in this easy, non-invasive test. Your results will be mailed to you soon, along with your termination.